Divorce Sucks: Setting Boundaries
Divorce Sucks. There I said it. If you have never gone through one, consider yourself lucky. God hates divorce; I don’t blame him. I hate divorce too.
“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel. “I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife.” Malachi 2:16- The Good News Translation
One lesson I learned, one of many very important lessens, is that one must have boundaries. Boundaries with other people are good.
Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong. Matthew 5:37 – The Message
I learned I did not have good boundaries. People in my life took advantage of my “people pleasing” nature. Once I had a chance to step back and look at how I lived my life, I realized I was running around trying to make things look better than they were. Trying to make people like me more; trying to wrap up my life with a nice neat bow. I realized that really was not fair to me or anyone else and that I needed to set boundaries with people.
I began reading a book entitled Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
Although setting boundaries with people is difficult. Especially if you have not had a clear boundary in the past. I now, five years later, appreciate the hard work that it took to get the boundaries in place.
Setting boundaries does not mean you are selfish, they do not control attack or hurt anyone. They simply prevent you from being taken advantage of.
People don’t always take kindly to one setting boundaries. The book addresses several forms of resistance to boundaries. Angry reactions are common, when someone gets mad at you because you will not give them what they want, you need to keep in mind they are the ones with the problem. Maintaining the boundary that you set with the angry party is good for them it will teach them something that their parents did not, which is , respect for other people.
Guilt reactions are also common. People can try to make you feel bad for how you choose to spend your time and resources. Guilt can be anger in disguise or it can be hiding sadness and hurt. You do not need to justify why you are choosing the decision that you made. You should, however, not be rude about how your tell people your decisions. Kindness goes a long way. These are just two of the forms of resistance the book discusses. You can also read about what a boundary looks like, how they are developed and see the difference in a day with out boundaries compared to a day with boundaries. This book made a huge difference in my life, I just thought I would share it with you.
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