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Divorce Sucks: Setting Boundaries

Divorce Sucks: Setting Boundaries

Divorce Sucks. There I said it. If you have never gone through one, consider yourself lucky. God hates divorce; I don’t blame him. I hate divorce too.
“I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel. “I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife.”  Malachi 2:16- The Good News Translation

Divorce Sucks: Setting BoundariesSadly 50% of marriages today end in divorce.  People often think it is just easier to start over than “fix” yourself and work on your marriage.

One lesson I learned, one of many very important lessens, is that one must have boundaries. Boundaries with other people are good.
Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong. Matthew 5:37 – The Message

I learned I did not have good boundaries. People in my life took advantage of my “people pleasing” nature. Once I had a chance to step back and look at how I lived my life, I realized I was running around trying to make things look better than they were. Trying to make people like me more; trying to wrap up my life with a nice neat bow. I realized that really was not fair to me or anyone else and that I needed to set boundaries with people.

I began reading a book entitled Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

Border-USA-Mexico
Boundaries`David / Foter / CC BY-SA

 

Although setting boundaries with people is difficult. Especially if you have not had a clear boundary in the past. I now, five years later, appreciate the hard work that it took to get the boundaries in place.

Setting boundaries does not mean you are selfish, they do not control attack or hurt anyone. They simply prevent you from being taken advantage of.

People don’t always take kindly to one setting boundaries. The book addresses several forms of resistance to boundaries.  Angry reactions are common, when someone gets mad at you because you will not give them what they want, you need to keep in mind they are the ones with the problem. Maintaining the boundary that you set with the angry party is good for them it will teach them something that their parents did not, which is , respect for other people.

Guilt reactions are also common. People can try to make you feel bad for how you choose to spend your time and resources. Guilt can be anger in disguise or it can be hiding sadness and hurt. You do not need to justify why you are choosing the decision that you made. You should, however, not be rude about how your tell people your decisions. Kindness goes a long way. These are just two of the forms of resistance the book discusses. You can also read about what a boundary looks like, how they are developed and see the difference in a day with out boundaries compared to a day with boundaries. This book made a huge difference in my life, I just thought I would share it with you.

 

DISCLOSURE: This post contains affiliate links.

 

16 Comments


  1. // Reply

    Thank you ladies for your kind comments. I am your newest follower! I look forward to getting to know each other.


  2. // Reply

    sounds lkike a wonderful book..with a pewrspective we could all ambrace. I think we need to empower orselves to be able to set boundries…..
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.


    1. // Reply

      I am typing on a different computer..oh my gosh, I am sorry about all of those spelling mistakes!!


  3. // Reply

    New follower here from Bloggy Moms FMFY.
    Good for you for empowering yourself. It’s not easy. And in the end you are a more beautiful women because of it.
    Nancy-of the crazy 9
    http://nancyvnjourney.blogspot.com/


  4. // Reply

    So sad, but so true… having been there myself. But your words are very inspirational. Following you everywhere.


  5. // Reply

    That sounds like a really good book that would help in many relationships – in the home and/or workplace. Thanks for linking up with us at Courtship Connection!
    Kathie


  6. // Reply

    Hopping over through bloggy moms 🙂 What a very inspirational story that I have really enjoyed reading today. Divorce does suck, I haven’t gone through this myself but it’s happening all around me. The book looks really interesting, going to hop on over and check it out.
    Have a wonderful day!


  7. // Reply

    I think I need to read this book. I keep trying to set boundaries with someone who completely disregards my boundaries. It’s very frustrating.


  8. // Reply

    Very important topic for many people. Thanks for sharing your own experience as well as a resource.


  9. // Reply

    Great post and boundaries are so important ~ take good care of you and rest will fall into place ~ ( A Creative Harbor) ^_^

    ps. Previous life worked as psychotherapist and taught psych on college level ~ teaching and learning ~ now working as poet, artist and photographer ~ self employed ~ boundaries still important to me ~ wishing you whatever you wish for yourself ~ ^_^


  10. // Reply

    I had to read that book as part of my counseling graduate program and loved it. Very powerful and helpful.

    Found you blog on Bloggy Moms. Looking forward to getting caught up with your posts.


  11. // Reply

    ERICA! I am proud of the work you are doing and of the clear peace and confidence I hear in your writing. I can tell you are richer in spirit….takes one to know one. Good marriage, hard work and becoming mothers changes us redheads a bit eh? HURRAH!




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